• Home
  • Shop
  • Bio
  • Blog
  • Events
  • Publications
  • Contact Me
Kate carey

blog

I can't promise you I'll be consistent but I promise when I show up I'll be completely present

5/15/2020

1 Comment

 
 As always it was wonderful to see Esther’s face, even over a screen. She complimented my hair, told me as always that I write so beautifully. Where would I be without this magical faery godmother of mine? This woman writer mother who has nurtured me in ways I still am getting comfortable with?
 
There are times now she refers to me as “Amazing Kate” and I  almost believe her, though mostly I still chalk what she is seeing up to some kind of created lie, still feel like I am letting her down when I am consumed by my own bullshit sadness.
 
I saw a quote on the internet about people loving you because they see you as you are- they can't see all the ways you’ve lied to yourself. Oh how many times I’ve lied to myself. And to other people.
 
Burrowing in the ground, I’m a groundhog afraid to look someone earnest in the eyes too long. A creature too fearful that a person’s knowing me will lead them to disaster, worry I ruin everything I touch, that I, like the household I grew up in, am a secret & silent poison, subtle enough not to taste something’s off til it’s too late.
 
People tell me I am a good person and I cannot believe them.
 
I am a mess with a lot of sludgey shit inside. But so is everybody. Those people put on pants and march on for freedom just the same.
I just cry a lot. I just feel a lot & disappear until I can be sunshine for someone else again.
 
I tell everyone around me their worth is not directly tied to what they can do for others but can't hold that same mirror up to myself.
 
I am mentally ill and wonder sometimes if there is a way to fix me. I don’t try pills- half due to the fear of not being in control of my own body while the other half is scared it still won’t be enough.
Kinda like when I got off hormonal birth control and for two weeks I felt the most alive, better than I had in years but then as time fell, I fell crazy again.  That was the most heartbreaking part.-
The killer was still  inside the house.
1 Comment
Esther link
5/15/2020 12:37:05 pm

I LOVE KATE

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    Archives

    September 2021
    June 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    October 2020
    August 2020
    May 2020

    Categories

    All
    Depression
    Late Night Thoughts
    Mental Illness
    Trauma

    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.
  • Home
  • Shop
  • Bio
  • Blog
  • Events
  • Publications
  • Contact Me