[CW sui] The reason I can’t kill myself yet

[CW sui, sad shit]
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​Is that I don’t want Autumn to hafta deal with my rotting body.
Is that RyRy told his friends I’m the only family he’s keeping in touch with after he escapes my parent’s house.
Is that Kayla starts to believe she is not worth that much, beautiful shiny girl with heart & dreams.
Is that Stephy needs someone to go with to Slurch for the first time after all this is over.
Is that Parris will text me next when Autumn is asleep and she needs to vent.
Is that Esther believed in me and called me Amazing from the first day in the desert.
Is that Veronica is an angel who deserves hours of cuddling.
Is that Yozed needs someone to send pictures of cheaper luxury houses to, as we dream of Victorians with porches for all our beloveds.
Is that I still haven't had sex with so many people yet and I really want to.

Is that Autumn needs to be held when it gets to be too much.
Is that my sister is isolated in the NJ suburbs with only her dog all day while her fiance  works.
Is that 80 is the cutest joy I want to kiss.
Is that Elayna’s book  doesn’t come out til October and I need to read that shit. 
Is that Demetra didn’t get a real birthday party this year because of Covid so she needs to be celebrated properly  the next birthday. 
Is that I still have Seamus’ books and we’re planning another bookswap soon.
Is that Ryry’s friend DJ found my writing online and it spoke to her somehow.
Is that Autumn needs someone to tell her to breathe & wait before sending an angry text she’ll regret.
Is that the last blog post I wrote was the last time my youngest brother said he cried so he clearly needs to hear someone is proud of him more.
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Is that I still gotta make it to Queeraoke with Vero sometime.
Is that I can’t die until I attend another one of Icon’s parties- I need that dance-all-night-feeling-alive-among-kin light in my chest once more .
Is that I document everything, even if I don’t yet know how to put it together .
Is that the bog witches never got their shared house & I want to taste the magic of that space.
Is that someone had to be the loudest Woo in the room for the show.
Is that I am a connector, a diy librarian in training, someone who knows a guy-girl-person-book-resource for that.

Is that Demetra keeps making funny tiktoks.
Is that Alyssa has not come down from Virginia to introduce her new beau.
Is that Dianca’s memoir hasn’t come out yet. 
Is that Esther’s workshop hasn’t even started.
Is that someday Slayher will be back at Tattooed Mom and I can't let 80 go by herself to all that brilliance.
Is that I haven't seen Julie’s new digs at The Book Nook on Main St yet.
Is that Hobart writing festival is virtual this year so I have to wait 2 Septembers now so we can roadtrip back to the farm.
Is that there are so many books in piles around the I haven't read yet. 
Is that Community still hasn’t gotten its movie yet

Is that I haven’t finished a longer piece since the 17 page story which enraged that old guy Steve so much he started an argument with everyone and stormed off leaving the writing group forever.
Is that an 800+ page novel written by one of my favorites sits on the table untouched.
Is that I have the urge to make out with every consenting person once Covid finally kicks the dust for good.
Is that Slutty Poems Night 2 never got to fruition & I wanna hear my best friend poem aloud again.
Is that Jenny Lawson told me Depression Lies.
Is that my therapist has only seen 4 new hairstyle changes as mental health milestones so far.

Is that I’ve never actually flirted with a girl for real yet.
Is that Demetra said we were the embodiment of everything our mothers repressed and there are still so many things I've never talked about.
Is that funerals are fucking expensive.
Is that I’ve never had a room of my own before.
Is that there’s still so much generational trauma that no one dares speak about;  I have to make the perpetrators look their harm in the face.
Is that you still have submissions you haven't gotten rejections from yet.
Is that Li Yun’s website course is still pending in my inbox.
Is that I don’t own that queer bookstore cafe eventspace yet.
Is that me and Vero promised to actually make it to Chimney Rock this time.

Is that you are not as terrible and shitty as you tell yourself  you are.
Is that you are a bridge and you need to keep building.
Is that you’re only starting becoming yourself; 
you still have so much more self to become.